*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
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I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.