For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
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Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.