*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
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Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
groan^2
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!