From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
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You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…