me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
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7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
@funTweeters
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.