Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
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Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.