Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
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Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”