Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
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*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun