At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
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My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look