Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
You Might Also Like
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
I have obtained a hat
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.