I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
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I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.