When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
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vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
I am having an out of money experience.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.