Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
You Might Also Like
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
when dads have a rap battle
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.