*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
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The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other