Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
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this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
taking June’s advice to heart
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.