Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
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When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”