At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
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Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.