What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
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Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.