Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
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me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.