[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
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If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
i wish all
whales
a very
big
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Speak now or ever hold your peace
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!