Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
You Might Also Like
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do