Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
You Might Also Like
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔