I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
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We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Our lord and savoury.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry