[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
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My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
#dalle2
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today