Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
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Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
$4 #usedbooks
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?