in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
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For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*