when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
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My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”