Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
You Might Also Like
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
*bites zombie*
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby