so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
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british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed