“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
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It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later: