why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
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“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
first you must answer his riddles
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.