Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
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can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
“no gods no masters” = leo
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?