Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
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DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
when there are deer in the woods
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right