I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
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burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Rooting for the overdog
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
what?
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
File under excellent bookstore names.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’