Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
You Might Also Like
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that