Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
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Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.