As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
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@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.