Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
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People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Worth the read.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.