“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
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We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
This will never not be funny to me.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school