It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
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i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
*serious situation*
My brain: