The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
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My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.