I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
You Might Also Like
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.