true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
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Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out