On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
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Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Every time my phone rings
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
How all things should be taught/explained.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
What a chick magnet..
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.