I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
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Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.