I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
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I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Hot hot hot 🥵
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.