[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
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It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!