You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
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I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.