[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
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KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.