wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
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Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
#Caturday
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug